I am living on the Hellmouth, and I didn’t even have to move to Sunnydale.That’s right, folks: an honest to god, hell on earth, the apocalypse is coming soon Hellmouth. Now, I thought that last July’s heat wavewas all ‘brimstoney hot’ but apparently I was wrong. That was just Louisiana | Alabama summertime hot, transported to Indiana to remind me of my younger days. And, to be honest, last summer was more about the slimey humidity and heat indexes. This summer, however, is about the record breaking real numbers: 107 on both Thursday and Friday. Right now, at 1:10 in the afternoon, it’s already 104 — and we’ve smashed the record high for the third day in a row.
The all-time high for E’ville is 111 degrees…
… I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we don’t hit that number.
According to The Weather Channel, we’re looking at 100+ for Sunday, but then the temps will drop to double digits: 99 for Monday and Tuesday. Our chance for rain, however, will remain at less than 10 percent — so essentially, no rain anytime soon. We should be grateful for the dry heat, even though we are incredibly droughty and my grass is dead. Seriously, I picked the wrong summer to plant watermelon in the garden!
Evidence of my Gardening Prowess
Yep, that’s a watermelon growing in my backyard …
during the worst drought since the Dust Bowl Days.
On the plus side, the Mayor has banned the use of private fireworks until July 6. This makes me — and my critters — very, very happy. There’s some context for this — a few years back, the idiots across the street set their yard on fire, then stood around drinking beer until the fire department came. Seriously? They could have put the fire out with a garden hose. Those morons are now gone, but we still find spent bottle rockets and other firework paraphernalia in our driveway every July.
Beating the Heat with The Traveling Ph.D.
The Coach is a Yankee born-and-bred. Fortunately for him, he married a good ol’ Southern Magnolia — or at least, a gal who spent her formative years living in the south. I know heat — and I know how to beat it. So, let me tell you: the first thing you should do is turn that A/C up to 80 degrees. There’s simply no point in setting it lower than that: your A/C is just going to run all the damned time and you are going to pay out the butt for your electric bill. Plus, if your A/C is old or is simply too small for your house, running it like that is going to freeze the thing up — and then, quite frankly, you’ll be f*cked until the thing starts to work again.
Second, buy yourself some of those heat reflecting drapes. Sure, they are ugly as hell, but they actually work. You can ask The Coach: there is a noticable temperature differential between our living room (with the heat reflecting drapes) and our landing (which does not have heat reflecting drapes because I read the package wrong). The same is true upstairs: our bedroom (with drapes) is much cooler than my office (without drapes). You could also use aluminum foil — a trick I learned in Louisiana — but I probably wouldn’t put it on your front windows because that will just make your house look like you’re cooking meth or something equally trashy.
Third, treat yourself to a matinee at the movie theatre. Dark spaces, my friends, make for happy faces. The Coach and I did this on Thursday and we were, like, almost the only people in the place. Now, granted, it might have been our movie choice (I liked it, even though it was a rotten tomato), but the point is still valid. And, if you don’t want to go to the movies, why not go to the mall or a Starbucks or even your office where you can use someone else’s industrial strength A/C for free? But, you better bring a hoodie or something, because these places tend to be icy cold.
Fourth, go dunk yourself in some water. I know that our little pool is rednecky as hell and not very deep, but there is something very pleasant about being in your own backyard. For example, you can wear whatever you want without people judging you — and you don’t have to look at all the other people who are wearing things that they should not be wearing. Honestly people, haven’t you ever heard of skin cancer?
The Coach in our Redneck Riviera
Complete with saltwater filtration system
Now, I will admit that sometimes you want more than 33″ of water, so go to the city pool or a water park or something. That’s what we did on Friday: we loaded up our car and headed over to Holiday World. I know that some of my friends are annoyed with the Koch family’s politics — but when it’s over 100 degrees out, I just can’t bring myself to give a hoot. And, seriously, that place is a great value: free sunscreen, free drinks, free parking, clean bathrooms, and cheap food. It’s way better than any Six Flags I’ve been to. Of course, other folks are also going to be headed to a water park, so be prepared to deal with people who do not understand waterpark etiquette.
Finally, don’t turn on your oven or your dryer. You’re just asking for a massive blast of heat if you do. Eat sandwiches and salads. Go out to eat. Eat ice cream for dinner. Use your grill. Oh, and I give you permission to let the laundry pile up. You can tell your mama I said so.
Holiday World’s Famous Turkey Leg
I didn’t have to turn on the oven!
Slightly Snarky Lessons in Water Park Etiquette
Since you might be going to a water park or pool to beat the heat, let me give you a few tips on how to behave in public — seeing how your mama may have forgotten to train you to act like a human being, okay?
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Do not wear a bikini top in the wave pool. Seriously, you might think you are the best thing since sliced bread, but no one really wants to see your boobies poop out of that thing.
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I don’t care where you live, camouflage bikinis are not sexy … unless you are a hot military guy posing on the front of a calendar.
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Stay the {bleep} away from the barrier rope at the front of the wave pool. The lifeguards are going to blow their whistles and turn off the waves. That just sucks for everyone.
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You do not need three floats in the lazy river. Seriously, float hogs: you make it impossible for the rest of us to float gently along.
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Short people are not invisible. Pay attention, damn it, or I might think about returning the favor of kicking you in the back.
This is me.
Do I look invisible to you?
No, no I do not.
